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Ashamed, embarrassed, and pretty much over it.

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 19:39:20 +0100

Ah, wishful thinking, thou doth enter mine noggin overmuch.

I said (actually, I promised) I would write more blogs. I would write more often. Write, write, write, write, WRITE. That's what I said. Pinky-swear. On my mother's grave. A bird in the hand equals two in the bush. But what did I actually do?

Nothing.

That's right. Not one new blog since February 4th! I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I'm also pretty much over it. I hope that you'll get over it too. Even though you're scratching your head wondering why this intro is so long and pointless, and probably asking yourself if the rest of the blog is gonna be like this.

Yeah, kinda. You can stop at any time. No pressure.

I have plans to, in the near future, go back on the Jason Rosenberg show. I don't know how many of you heard me the first time I was on it (the MP3 is on my website, go take a listen), but if you did, then you probably understand why I have a few reservations about it. Nothing to do with the show or Jason at all, but my reservations all stem from my inability to incorporate tact into my daily life.

For example, the first time I was on the Jason Rosenberg show, I incriminated myself by telling him that I was 20, and then shortly after telling him that I was cracking open a beer. I also think I openly expressed the desire to be deaf. As I was talking about being a music composer.

Professionalism, to this day, eludes me, because I think swearing and being crass is funnier and it's what everyone wants to hear. However, it doesn't really get you far when you're talking about being a classical music composer. They want poise, structure, elegance. I have none of these things, and I don't know where to get them.

I'm also sad to say that my website will be "hasta la vista, babee"-ing it in mid-May. I'm not going to terminate it (pun), per se, but I'm moving it to an even fancier and difficult to navigate website! Isn't everyone so excited!

I'm not writing music at the moment, unfortunately. I'm too busy with my jobs and trying to get my life in order.

Speaking of life...I'm also trying to set up a team for the ever-popular Relay for Life at Pius XI High School in Milwaukee. I'll have a little donation box deal on the website so y'all can donate whenever you please. And I will be sacrificing cigarettes for this event...well, at least during it. They don't allow the use of tobacco during the events. Quel suprise.

New, but nothing particularly important.

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:38:17 +0100

Whoa. Ever since I started doing vlogs, I sort of became estranged from my blog. Well, no more.

And you know...I wish I had something excellent, something groundbreaking and ridiculously exciting to post here that will make you jump out of your chair and pee yourself, but I don't.

I have a video though...will that suffice?

It's...erm...well, basically an embarrassing video of me trying to play Bach's Badinere, Mozart's Concerto in G, I., a flute solo from Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade, my very own flute sonata (Sonata for Flute and Piano-I. Giusto, ma poco moderato), and a really funny flute-related calendar fail. Originally, I wanted to post a video of me actually playing the piece at least relatively well, but after trying for a week to learn it, I realized that it wasn't really in the cards for the time being. There will come a day though. I promise.

Other than that, my main focus has been attacking social media the past week, seeing as my announcement for Speak will be happening within the next two weeks. I just added myself to yet another site, ReverbNation, so if you ever frequent the site, let's connect there as well. Yeah? Yeah.

Unfortunately, not all social media is really...well, social media. A forum called Young Composers is one of the many sites where I post MP3s of my music, but not the scores. Some of the composers there would rather that I did, telling me that they would be able to analyze and assess my music better if I were to upload the score. This might seem a little harsh, but I don't remember asking for their analysis of my compositions...the last thing I want is a complete stranger to be taking a monocle to my scores and telling me I forgot a breath mark. This is specifically what I wrote on the forum in response to a huge thread that discussed people who upload MP3s but not scores. People like me.

"Alright, so...I'm relatively new to this site, but I figured I would chip in my two cents since I'm currently being asked to upload scores of my compositions as well. First of all, I probably won't end up doing it. Sorry. Everyone keeps saying that they would like to see the score so they can "further analyze the work." What exactly are you looking to analyze? I post the MP3 because I want feed back on the general feel and overall sound of the piece. The last thing I want is another composer, whose opinion I did not ask for, tell me that I missed a mezzo forte marking in the second oboe part. I am the composer: let me handle the specifics. (All right, all of that sounded incredibly rude, and I didn't mean it that way, honestly, I just feel kinda strongly about it.) Furthermore, I'm not posting due to copyright issues. It scares the living daylights out of me just throwing my scores out on the Internet willy-nilly. I want to believe the best in everyone, but realistically speaking, you can really never tell. All of this being said, I 100% believe that you do not need a score in order to assess and analyze a piece to the extent that another musician should. Any other suggestions as far as writing goes is moot to me, because I believe it can eventually lead to questioning your own artistic ideas and lead to unoriginality."

I still hold fast to this belief. I'm not in a place right now where I can just adhere to other's creative ideas. They're mine and mine alone, and the last thing I want is to second-guess pieces I feel strongly about, especially when it comes to their construction.

Don't get me wrong. I understand constructive criticism is important for any artist to grow, but I think that criticism should come strictly from the impression that one receives when they listen. Isn't that why I wrote it in the first place? It's not a term paper. It's not an essay. It's a piece of music, and should be treated as such. As far as receiving criticism on the musical construction, I prefer the method of asking for it, rather than just being told that I "need" it. If I'm happy with a piece, then that's it: end of conversation. I'm working on my symphony day and night, mostly orchestrating at the moment. Unfortunately, since the symphony will be the main focus of my next music project, I won't be sharing anything more than sketches until Speak is released. But I'll be more than happy to release the sketches and keep you up to date with how it's going.

On a side note: how the heck is it February already? Weird.

Oh, and on a personal note, I've met someone. Not that it makes that much of a difference, but I have a really good feeling about this. I can tell he's different from all of the others. Cute, quick-witted, ridiculously smart, and for whatever reason, he likes me.

Alright, so as I promised...more blogging. You have my word. Until next time, C.J.

Resolution? Revolution.

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 09:49:13 +0100

I haven't posted in a few weeks, and since it's now the critically acclaimed 2010, I figured I would share my new year's resolutions with you.

My actual new years was kind of a bust. I ended up going to work and getting done around 11:45, so when it was officially 2010, I was standing at the bus stop, freezing my ears off. However, it was then that I had my first epiphany, and my first resolution.

-Focus attention on your passions

I am and always will be a music composer first. I cannot forget that, and I cannot let anything lead me astray from that. I want, especially this year, focus on making music that is well put-together, thought out, and not just emotionally stimulating, but something that really makes you think. Because of this, I decided that I needed to remove any extranneous distractions from my schedule.

The next one is completely obvious, but has proven to be...the most difficult so far...

-Quit smoking

Smoking and composing, for me, goes hand in hand. So to say I'm quitting smoking is almost contradicting my first statement. But honestly, it is a horrible habit that costs me way too much money. And while I enjoy it, I have to train myself not to. I want to be healthy and fit if I want a good quality of life.

Another difficult one...

-Become (for the most part) a vegetarian

After watching "Food, INC," I can't bring myself to eat animals that have had a horrible quality of life. This, however, does not rule out meat all together. Grass-fed and free range animals are OK, and on occassion, seafood is also okay. But under no circumstances are fast food burgers or anything of the sort on the menu.

I'm looking forward to this one...

-Work out at least three times a week

I just got an introduction package thing to Bally's total fitness, so I can't wait to start working and toning my body. Like the smoking, I need to be doing this to keep myself healthy and happy.

-Give to charities

Granted, I need money. I'm always desperate for a buck just to put food on my table, but there are others who don't have homes, who don't have the opportunities I have that deserve those opportunities. So why not help them out every once and a while?

Overall, my resolution is a full-body and mind revolution. I want to be happier, healthier, smarter, wiser, a better musician, and most of all...a better composer.

Tomorrow is the big day...

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:19:36 +0100

Ladies and gents...it's December 15th.

Tomorrow is the official release of my FIRST CD EVER...Untamed. I honestly never thought I would make it this far. I never thought I had it in me. I figured I would dip out early, be too afraid, too worried, too stressed...but all I feel is this wonderful calm and a sense of achievement. I've done it. And I'm very proud, and well, slightly surprised.

That isn't to say I did it alone...of course not. I had quite a large team help me with this project, and this blog is going to name those people and what they did to make this project so successful.

Sean Drews-Photography

Without a doubt did the most work of anyone on the team. A fine photographer that I would recommend to anyone. Professional, punctual, creative, and most of all...a really stand-up guy. I've told him many of times, but I'm so incredibly glad I sought him out for this project. Every picture you see of me on the Internet is all thanks to him. The CD cover, the posters, the promotional ads...this would not have been half the success it was without his talents, so to Sean, once again, thank you.

Andrea Thurner-Design

I've been good friends with Andrea for a long time now. We've both come a long way since our time at the notorious Belleview house and in a very good way. It was excellent to see her apply her passion to my work, as I never quite knew what she meant when she said "I'm going to school for graphic design." To that I'd usually respond, "Cool. Wanna take shots?" After working with her on the posters and CD covers, as well as my business cards, I came to realize two things. One is that Andrea is a very talented and highly motivated designer, and two is that she cares about my happiness immensly. She constantly went out of her way to accomplish the tasks I gave her, and I want to let her know it didn't go unnoticed, and it certainly didn't go unnappreciated. Thanks my dear. I love you.

Will Elwood-Press and Advertising

It's easy to say that Will has had an impact on my life in many ways. In fact, I might be as lofty to suggest that he is one of the reasons I am confident enough to be doing what I am doing. Months ago, I was completely terrified of sharing my music with the world, and I finally mustered up the courage to show it to him. His immediate reaction was: "You need to put yourself out there." He convinced me that I had what it took to be a real music composer, degree or no degree. And five months later, here I am. Thank you, Will, for pushing me, and having faith in my music. I also have to thank him for recently becoming the front runner in promoting me as a composer. He has been incredibly helpful and supportive throughout the process, and I thank him for that as well. Finally, I thank Will for, even after a tumultuous seven months, a friend I can rely on. Those are few and far between, and I give him credit for being able to put up with me even at my most ridiculous moments. He is a fantastic asset, a great person, and most of all, a wonderful friend.

Jesi Nelson-Muse and Best Friend

I haven't any idea where to begin...but starting from the beginning seems to make the most sense.

Jesi and I met under the same circumstances I have met most of my closest friends: randomly and while slightly intoxicated. After the first few conversations, I had already established a powerful connection with her, but I never would have imagined it would become something this deep, something that transcends all of my other relationships. She is, without question, the most important person to this project, because without her, I don't believe this would have been possible. In all my highs and all my lows, Jesi has been there to protect me, comfort me, and strengthen me, as both a composer and as a person. And that, along with many other reasons, is why the project is dedicated to her. She is kind, talented, beautiful, selfless, bright, and many other things. It is a pleasure and an honor to call such a person my best friend. Without her guidance and support, I would be lost. So I thank Jesi for all of those late night conversations, the good ones and the bad. The ones that lasted ten minutes, and the ones that lasted five hours. I thank her for the countless bummed cigarettes, the laughs, the Chinese food, and the YouTube surfing. For being there during my panic attack, for being there during my UWM audition, for meticulously listening to all of my pieces and giving her honest feedback and opinion. But most of all, I thank Jesi for being the only person I feel like I can tell absolutely anything to, without fear of judgment. I will always love you Jesi. Thank you for taking such good care of me when I forgot how to take care of myself.

And to all of you who have supported me...Dani, Gloria, Ericka, Gwen, Monica, my mother and father, my friends...I thank you as well. This has been an overwhelming and rewarding experience, and I thank you for taking this journey with me. I am forever grateful to you.

I only ask one more thing of you. One simple thing. On December 16th, on the 19th, or whenever my CD or any of my music reaches your ears, just listen. In my music, you will hear happiness, sadness, determination, exuberance, strength, gentleness, sorrow, and just about everything in between. You will hear me. You will hear me...Untamed.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you,
C.J. Darnieder

Another really really fast update...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 06:37:48 +0100

The CD is almost finished! Just four tracks left!

I'm sure you've already seen, but I've also booked the Milwaukee Gay Arts Center for the Untamed Album Release party! If you can make it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come! The more the merrier! Bring friends, family, co-workers. Grab a CD, have some drinks, have some food, and enjoy yourself! More information is on the homepage of the website.

Posters should be going up tomorrow. Not to mention Will Elwood has been amazing with helping me market myself as a composer. My website will be featured on the Wisconsin Gazette's website, and the Untamed event will be posted in the actual paper. Cool, right?

Again, I'm exhausted. But it's a good exhaustion. A really good exhaustion. Only a few weeks left. Hope to see you at the release party, or at the very least, make sure you reserve your CD if you can't make it!

A glimmer of an idea...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:58:13 +0100

My mind is going a million miles an hour at the moment. How do I know this? Well, Project Untamed is currently moving at full speed ahead, I can barely keep up with what's going on around me, and yet...I've just thought of a new project I want to work on after I release Untamed. I know, I'm nuts.

Anyway, more pictures have been updated in the gallery. And if you haven't yet, make sure to reserve your CD! Head to the home page and follow the instructions there.

I'm still working on the mixing of the CD, and probably will be doing so up until I start burning the copies. But for the most part, I'm happy with what I have completed so far. With only twenty six days left, I honestly can't believe how much work I have ahead of me, but that only makes me want to push that much harder.

The poster is finished, thanks to Andrea Thurner, so the minute I order the paper for prints, expect to see them all around Milwaukee!

That's it for the moment. And maybe I'll have more information on this possible new project soon...I just have to make sure I have it in me first. Hah.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:31:50 +0100

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to find Untamed to be...well, more of a chore than it seems like it's worth.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still excited, I'm still pushing forward, still working...but I'm having the biggest issues trying to rework the music for the CD. I've tried almost everything I could think of, and I still only have one track finished. Which is about three minutes out of the entire CD. Three minutes out of an hour and a half. Awesome.

I'm tired. I'd rather not work on this at the moment, but once a again, a fortune cookie has told me to press on. The cookie reads: "The price of greatness is responsibility."

And on that note, all I can do right now is work. I just have to keep trying until I come up with something I'm pleased with. And I know I will. I definitely will.

Sorry this was so pointless. I just needed a break. Heh.

"No Tresspassing."

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:21:10 +0100

So today, Sean and I did the shoot for the Untamed cover. And let me tell you, it was an experience I'll never forget...for many reasons.

Sean had told me a while back that he had a spot that he loved to do really awesome shoots, and since I didn't really have any good ideas myself, I took him up on it. When we got there, it was everything I could have asked for: slightly dirty, full of machinery, totally industrial and raw. I was really inspired...which was totally opposite from the work we did at his apartment. I felt so much more comfortable experimenting with poses and really getting into it. And after looking at the pictures, I have to say I can't remember the last time I've been this excited. The framing that Sean created with the pictures, the scenery, the poses...it's exactly what I hoped to achieve.

Unfortunately, as we were finishing, we had a slight, erm, problem. We weren't technically allowed to be on the property. It was "dangerous." And as Sean took one of the last few pictures, we saw an officer walking towards us. My heart sank. A million things went through my head, but luckily nothing really happened to us. He just told us to get out and not to come back. Thank goodness, because he also alerted us that the fine for trespassing is $167. I'll take the warning, please.

Regardless of the run-in with the fuzz, it was totally worth it. I cannot WAIT to share these with you. And with only a month until the CD's release, I'm glad I can check this off my constantly growing list.

My book still hasn't come in the mail! I have the next three days off, so if I don't get it tomorrow, I'm calling the company and throwing a fit. Maybe then it'll come in a timely manner...doubtful.

A quick and dirty update.

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:36:54 +0100

I'm exhausted.

I cleaned my room a few days ago, and it is, once again, a complete sty. There's szechuan chicken drippings all over my beautiful wood floor. There's beer bottles and soda cans everywhere. And cigarette ash covers pretty much every fabric covered surface.

Untamed is still moving forward, pretty much on schedule. What does everyone think about smoked salmon dip as one of the appetizers for the party?

New to my page: reserve your Untamed CD! Go to the homepage and send an e-mail to that address to make sure you get your CD in a timely fashion!

I've announced the date for the final Untamed vlog. It'll go up December 1st.

At the moment, I'm trying desperately to figure out how to configure e-mail addresses for my website...and it's way too complicated. I've never heard of an MX or a CNAME, and I feel kinda prehistoric and granny-like. I'm also finishing up the press release which I'll post later today. The release will be sent to:

-Quest Magazine
-West Allis Star
-The Shepherd Express
-The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
-88.9 Radio Milwaukee
-The Wisconsin Gazette

I'm hoping at least a few of these will pick it up.

Anywho, I was supposed to shoot the CD cover with Sean today, but we've postponed it until tomorrow. Apparently we're shooting somewhere where there's a No Trespassing sign. I'm totally excited, and I have another great outfit planned!

Still hoping to have the posters ready by November 20th, but that just means I gotta hustle!

That's all. Time to raid my pantry. I think I'm down to fifty tea bags, a can of tuna, and a can of pinto beans. Put it all together and you get...well, my dinner, I s'pose.

I won't waste your time with my revelation.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:47:13 +0100

A lot of people have really great relationships with their families. They're constantly spending time together, enjoying each others company. I have to say that I'm part of that group, even though the family I'm referring to isn't necessarily my biological family. I'm not talking about my mother and father or my aunts and uncles. My family is, and has been for a while I think, my friends.

I don't want to be misconstrued here. I love my family very much, and I know that they love me. We just don't fit well together, and for the longest time I wanted to become a part of that. I wanted to be someone who could lean on their parents for support and strength, and, especially as of late, I've realized that it's a losing battle. We are different. Too different. There's drama. Too much drama. Stress, pain, betrayal...and while this may be typical of most families, I've realized that with everything in life, you have a choice. And I'm choosing to not put up with it anymore.

Over the past few months, I have begun to choose my happiness over others happiness, something I always thought was incredibly selfish. But I'm finding it's actually the key to success, especially as a music composer. I have to take care of myself first, because nobody else is going to. However, I know I cannot do this alone. Life in general is a very lonely journey, and if you ever happen to stumble upon people you feel like you can always lean on, then you must not take advantage of them. You have to embrace them into your life and let them embrace you into yours. And the people who will not support you, the people who will not understand you, you can't let them take up your energy, even if those people are your own flesh and blood.

To quote one of my new favorite artists Miike Snow, "I won't waste your time with my revelation." I'm tired of wasting time.

Sorry to be a downer. Hey...how about if I throw something new one the website? Yeah? Okay, I'll update the News Feed in a bit. There. All better.